| One of my sporadic entries |
[Nov. 5th, 2005|05:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Suburban Legends | ] |
I remember about a year and a half ago when I first discovered LiveJournal and it was the most addicting thing ever. I wrote in it like every day and was always super stoked when someone would give me a comment. And then came the Myspace revolution. And my livejournal entries became few and far between, until it was official that I was neglecting it. I don't even know who reads this anymore. Probably no one. How sad. I am writing this whole thing for absolutely no reason. Poor poor livejournal.
Perhaps I shall neglect you no more. |
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| Whens The last time I wrote in THIS sucka? |
[Jun. 19th, 2005|03:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  BLAAAAAAAAH | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Head Automatica | ] |
Wow I almost forgot I possessed a LiveJournal! It's been awhile, folks! Aren't y'all excited about my update? Good. You should be. Because it is going to fucking rock.
Actually, I really don't know what to say other than fuck yes because it is summer and I, my friends, never have to worry about high school EVER AGAIN!!!
Now, however, I am enveloped in a job hunt. Any ideas, my friends??
And today is really boring. And I really really need something to do. Dammit. |
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| That's just the way it is... |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|02:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  God, who knows? | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Michael Buble - For once in my life | ] |
Fear is quite possibly the worst of any human emotion. Is fear even an emotion? I don't know. But I do know that it is the root of everything I dislike about myself... the uncertainty, the walls I build, the air of unfriendliness I usually take on, the inability to say what I mean when I mean to say it or show anyone who I actually am. Even my closest friends know nothing, because I have come to the realization that I am wonderful at putting on a happy face... and the times in which I don't, I create a lie as to why I am not the Ashley I should be. It's awful, really, not being able to find comfort in your own skin. The only thing I know about myself is that I am a walking contradiction. The epitome of hypocrisy.
This isn't me "being emo." I don't really know what it is, other than truth. I know I'm not a hopeless cause or anything like that. I know on some level, I'm a pretty decent person... just kind of lost, I guess.
I'm over this entry. |
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| Nothing like a little alcohol to reveal the truth. |
[Mar. 12th, 2005|02:56 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  freaking smashed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Blessed by a Nightmare - Autopilot Off | ] |
SO my last entry? BUllSHIT. I won't be able to change. Am I delusional? I will always be like this. Always. Because even if I trick myself into some "self worth" pattern of thinking, it doesn't make a difference to what I am worth to anyone else, in terms of both desirability and importance (as proved by this evening) and thus wont make a difference in my life. I'll never measure up. at least not for now.
Fuck dude. No more alcohol for me. Not only does it make you feel incredibly HUGE... it also helps the shit feeling to return full throttle. Goody. I am going to go pass out in my bed now. |
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| ohboyohboyohboy |
[Mar. 9th, 2005|12:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Something's gotta change | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Doors - Riders on the Storm | ] |
For some reason, life has not been so sucky lately! Which is weird, since not one circumstance within it has changed. I suppose I have stopped taking everything SO seriously... which is probably good. I don't have a guy... but that doesnt matter, all the more time for me to meet one. I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate... but no worries, that will just make things more exciting. Life's too short to worry and try to fix everything. Just because it's slow right now, that doesn't mean it always will be.
Could I be on the cusp of accepting myself?
Maybe.
And maybe not. But who knows right now? It feels like something is shifting... however slow it may be, it's happening. Cool...? |
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| between each smile theres a tear in your eye |
[Feb. 28th, 2005|07:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  virus leave me now | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Rise Against - Paper Wings | ] |
Sometimes talking to someone from a different perspective is all you need to gain your own. That doesn't make sense. Well, it does to me. Today was spent on my couch, nice and sick like. I may go to younglife tonight... I think something like that would be good for me lately. I need to start taking responsibility for my life. Now is the time. I have procrastinated long enough and painted myself a picture of self doubt to look at instead of doing anything productive. But last night and today, two very important people in my life helped snap me into reality; I am a hypocrite. They didnt come right out and call me one, and I don't know if they even consider me as such, but the important thing is, I realized that if I want things to go well, first I have to go well... whatever THAT means. I always tend to whine about how I will never amount to anything. And maybe I won't... but I guess that doesnt mean I shouldn't try.
I don't know. That's my attempt at optimism, hah. |
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| GRAAAWR |
[Feb. 25th, 2005|06:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Pat Benatar | ] |
Guys are douche bags. every stinkin' one of them. that's all I have to say about that. |
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| its all the same. |
[Feb. 22nd, 2005|12:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  why cant I control anything? | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Natalie Cole - Smile | ] |
I hate not being able to make everything perfect for everyone. I hate not making a difference. I hate that the word hate is such a frequent in my recent thoughts.
I need to find safety in my own skin. Until that happens, this vicious and equally irritating cycle is never going to end. Because it's started again. And God knows I am sick of this bullshit.
I think I have finally had enough. For some reason, however, it still isn't clicking. I can't make myself matter.
On a lighter note, I am now graduating in less than 4 months.
Holy Crap. |
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| Valentines Day? PUH |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|11:45 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  kind of tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hot Hot Heat - Bandages | ] |
February 13. I have officially given up on the search for a potential love interest on the wretched holiday which is to begin in roughly fifteen hours. It's useless to search, anyways, since these things are supposedly meant to happen by chance. I am not going to feed you all some sob story about the injustice of being alone on Valentines Day, or how much I hate Hallmark for glorifying it every damn year (both of which are true). Instead, I am going to wish every happy couple a good day with the freshest of roses and the best of chocolates, because being bitter is probably what got me into this stage of aloneness to begin with. Someone will come sooner or later, I have no doubt. Until then, there's always The Notebook.
Happy Valentines Day, everyone! |
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| I've got a bad flavor... |
[Feb. 3rd, 2005|09:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ben Kweller - Commerce, TX | ] |
BAH. I guess that should be followed by a humbug. I do not know what is new that you kids would care to read about, if anyone still reads this thing anyways. My brain is going at a million miles an hour (hey, what else is new?) and I can't shut it off for the life of me. I am sort of changing... sort of not. Life has been going ok... I miraculously made it through first semester with a 3.6 (nothin spectacular, but with all that had happened, well, its something I am proud of)and for the most part, I am pretty healthy. So what's the problem? Well, it's going to be massively whiny sounding and pathetic, but it is the fact that I am pretty much alone. I have my friends and everything... but everyone sort of has their own thing, their own top priority, and (gag me with a spoon) that top priority has never in the history of my being been me. I have never been especially important to anyone, which is sort of abnormal and also makes me question myself as a person. What makes me so undesirable? Is it the fact that I think in terms of livejournal entries such as this? They say that in order to be loved, you must first love yourself. Perhaps this is my problem. Ok, you no longer have to endure my shit, at least not until I can think of a better way to say what I mean. |
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| So damned contemplative |
[Jan. 23rd, 2005|11:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  I dont know | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mariah Carey - Dream Lover | ] |
Today while I was sitting here with some tea and a good dose of homework, I somehow began to think about what I would be doing at this time (the time then being 5:45) two months ago, and how such monotony can be broken so easily. My mind continued to wander, of course, because lets face it, once it starts up there's really no stopping it, and I found myself missing a place where I was so seemingly miserable. As I thought it over for a while, I think I have figured it out, and I want to write it down while it still makes a little bit of sense in my mind. Once you have hit rock bottom, there really is no place for you to go. Once control is taken out of your hands, there is nothing for you to do. There is nothing you have to worry about, and no one can really cause you any pain. The "hell" I so often referred to was actually, in retrospect, blissful. Life was so simple, so controlled, so unreal. I actually secretly relished in that. Reality isn't all it's cracked up to be, when it comes down to it. And although the unreality was ugly at times, although I know everything it caused (or will cause) me to lose... I would still prefer it to this. I don't know what that says about me.
whatever. |
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| Phlegm is sexual. |
[Jan. 8th, 2005|05:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | under the wretched weather | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Five for Fighting - Superman | ] |
Life is one big pain in the ass learning experience, isn't it? Well, I think that I can safely say that I have learned enough already. I'm so sick of everything presenting me with a new lesson. I already know all of my faults, thank you very much. Shouldn't that be enough without constant reminders around every single turn? I get it. Everything should be appreciated. I should look at what I have. I should be some level of grateful. But for some reason, I can't. I have been stuck playing the same godamned broken record inside of my skull for four years now. True, I have tried to change it, but no matter what I do, where I go, how far I try to run, it's always right there with me. And it's been fucking things up for me for far too long. It's made me into a whiny, pathetic, creature of self abhorrance that I can't stand to be anymore. I keep telling myself that someone will come along to help me see that I really am a person worthwhile of love, that someone will appreciate me under any circumstance. But it can never happen until I begin to appreciate myself, until I can look at myself in the mirror and see a person in a life worth living. I've been searching for this person for so fucking long. I even spent two months with a team of people trying to help. I'm beginning to think that she just isn't there, and that it's time to accept that I will never amount to anything extraordinary. It has nothing to do with the people I am around, the place where I live, the clothes I wear or the size of my body. In fact, I don't know what it has to do with anymore. But I have wasted too much of my time trying to figure it out. I know that it's never too late to change. But there is nothing important enough to change for anymore. Maybe there never was, and that's why I can't do it. So why try? |
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| A Christmas to remember... HAH! |
[Dec. 26th, 2004|03:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  its been a long day | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Phantom Planet - California | ] |
This, by far, has been a most interesting holiday. After an early morning of present opening, my father arrived bearing turkey, which my mom proceeded to cook along with stuffing, yams, etc. I can't remember a time when we actually consumed real food on Christmas as opposed to the usual Jack in the Box, let alone a sit down dinner with BOTH of my parents... getting ALONG. The "one big happy family" play ended with a nice scene of us watching old home movies from when I was like three... and the 'rents reminiscing about times I'm not sure I even want to remember. To sum it up, It. Was. WEIRD.
Somehow, Christmas seemed rather mediocre. I'm not sure I understand it... I mean, I got everything I asked for. No family brawls broke out (a new record for us) and all in all, it was pretty chill. So money doesn't buy happiness... how about that? And family... well that's up for consideration, on MANY different levels.
And now, after a goot twelve hours of The OC and far too much junk food than I care to think about, it's time to put these sleepy eyes out of their misery. I hope you all had a happy holiday. |
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| Having a hella good time... |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|05:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stoked | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Yellowcard - View from Heaven | ] |
Sometimes a San Jose fix is all a person needs... I am day 1 deep into mine, waiting to go over to Becky's to get ready for a night on the town! It's like a cheerleading reunion... I havent hung out with these girls in SO long... its gonna be a blast! So far we've done the total valley girl thing... gone shopping, gotten hair done... (in my case, an eyebrow wax) and we're just about to apply the makeup and tear this city apart! haha, it should be a good start to winter break. Hopefullt the beginning of a new mindset for me, as well. For the past ohh, eight months or so, my current one has progressively gone down the shitter, and I have found myself to be drastically emo to a point beyond annoyance.
My goal this winter break is to enjoy myself, regardless of all the shit I have put myself through and all the other stressers in my life... I think I have finally realized that there is no escaping those, so I might as well eal with them cheerily instead of slowly killing myself because of them.
The dye is out now.... dun dun dunnn.... love to all! |
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| YIPPEEEEEE |
[Dec. 9th, 2004|09:31 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | IM SO EXCITED!!! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tom Petty - Free Fallin | ] |
I am SO coming home TOMORROW!!!!! EXCITEMENT!!!
I have been compiling a list of things I want to do upon my return; its getting pretty long haha. YAY YAY YAY!!!!
I have learned so much about myself over the past couple months. Knowledge is power, yes?
...we will see. |
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| She says "This life is for the birds" |
[Nov. 28th, 2004|01:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  out of control | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Rocket Summer | ] |
Things I have come to realize (and should appreciate):
1.) There is a huge world outside of Santa Cruz which I have yet to explore.
2.) High school is really, in all, unimportant to the rest of my life.
3.) There are people in this world who actually do care about me.
4.) I've grown more in six weeks than most people do in six years.
5.) Independence can be a blessing.
6.) I can be whoever the hell I want to be.
Want to hear the bitch of it all?
None of this changes a goddamned thing. Knowledge doesn't equal happiness anymore (if it ever did to begin with). I'm in the same place I have always been, and it seems that no matter what, I will always be there.
So fuck it. I give up. |
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| Livejournal is lame, dude |
[Nov. 21st, 2004|07:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Teachers can bite it | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Love Actually is SO CUTE | ] |
I think I've just about gotten over my Livejournal... but I'm still writing in it for some reason beyond my perception.
I don't even know what to write so as not to elude to something either incredibly exasperating or incredibly vague. So I think I will hold off a little longer. |
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| I am in an alternate universe. |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|09:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Wired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Friends Theme song | ] |
LORD. I WANT TO COME HOME. Everything is happening without me and I am going to shit myself if I have to spend another day ashamed that I do not own a single thing Gucci or Juicy or whatever else these pretty people must wear day in and day out. Apparantly upper middle class doesnt cut it here.
While I really want to come home I can't shake the fact that I have no place there anymore... and that scares the shit out of me. It's like the gap that I was wedged into is slowly closing, and once I'm back I wont be able to fit into it anymore. No pun intended.
Anyways. Only a couple weeks left. I hope. |
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| Today was simply GLORIOUS. |
[Oct. 14th, 2004|12:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | fuck. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Thursday - war all the time | ] |
How can I go into today without sounding emo and whiny? I can't. So here goes...
I am quite sick of making an ass of myself. I am sick of swallowing things that will only knot up into a ball in my stomach. I am sick of watching great things happen to not so great people. I am sick of getting myself into situations which make me question my self worth, or worse, my lack therof. Most of all, I am sick of being sick of all of these things... and not a damn one changing.
the "brutal truth" said this is all my fault... which it probably is. But if I can't change it, what the fuck am i supposed to do? The vicious cycle of life gets you all high on a hope and then rips it out from under you and shows you someone with exactly what you want, thus causing jealousy and misery which of course you cannot show because then you are just a bad person, and just when you think things cant get any worse, something seemingly great will happen... and set the cycle back in motion.
It's late. I dont know what I am talking about. |
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